HELLO WORLD   3 comments

Hello to the world

It’s nice to see you again

You make me welcome.

Posted November 17, 2010 by ralphrc in Haiku

LAWYERS   Leave a comment

Lawyers can be sharks

But that is not always true

We help people too.

Posted November 17, 2010 by ralphrc in help, Lawyers, Sharks

SHADOW   2 comments

I saw a shadow.

Was that someone that I knew?

Or was it only a wish?

Posted November 17, 2010 by ralphrc in Haiku

THE CREEPS   4 comments

No. I’m not speaking about some people I may have met. Present company excepted, of course.
I am referring to some things that give me “agita”, or that give me “The Creeps”.
Now, I can enter a courtroom and deal with a surly Judge, an obnoxious adversary, or an annoying client. I’m not really a germaphobe.
But there are some things that I cannot stomach, and which make my skin crawl.
These are things that may seem innocuous to you, or to most people; but not to me.
Some of the things that give me “The Creeps” are:

1. Shaking hands. There is nothing worse than someone sticking out his or her hand, expecting reciprocation. Once contact is made, I come into contact with a “wet fish”; that is, a palm that is sweaty and slimy. I then have thoughts of running to the Purell bottle to bathe myself in its anti-bacterial goodness. Please. Just salute, wave ,say hello, or any combination thereof, but please keep your hand to yourself.

2. Touching door knobs. I will do anything to avoid touching one of these germ breeders, especially in public bathrooms. Just follow the trail of rolled up paper towels, especially those thrown behind the bathroom door, and you’ll know that I was there doing my business. Especially disconcerting are those public bathrooms with hand dryers only, and no paper towels to be found. You would then see me pulling down a shirt sleeve and using it as a makeshift towel. If I’m wearing short sleeves? I’m up shit’s creek, in a manner of speaking.

3. Food servers not wearing gloves. This is actually pretty useless in the long run. When I see someone slicing my bologna and cheese with a plastic glove, and then handling dirty dollar bills and quarters with the same gloves, I’m ready to call 911 and ask for the nearest health inspector. I don’t know which is worse: this disgusting practice, or actually handling my meat and cheese products with a hand that was probably in the same place described in paragraph 2, is worse. That’s why Oscar Mayer cold cuts in a vacuum sealed package is a God-send.

4. Travelling in an airplane. This is obvious. You can’t open a window, the passengers on all sides are close enough to read your mind, and the air quality rivals that of a toxic waste dump. Just get me there, and fast. I can only hold my breath for a minute.

5. Women, and especially men, that look at my crotch as they enter an elevator. Is my zipper down? Do they see something that they think they like? Of course, this forces me to look down at my own crotch, giving the impression that I am either creepy or full of myself.

6. Buffets. They may look nice, but other than the fact that I want to be served and not have to look like a pig being led to the trough, I’d rather not have Cousin Bob sneeze on the chicken cutlets, or Aunt Mary placing the soup ladle in the rice pudding.

7. Airport Security. I remember the days when I could walk into the airport as a child with my parents, and watch the planes take-off and land, just for the fun of it. Those days are long gone, of course. Now I have to take off my Nikes, take off my belt, take out my computer with one hand, and grab my pants with the other, and pray that I am wearing clean underwear for the good of those behind me. Then, a 365 lb. surly, bored and power drunk TSA worker comes closer to my testicles than my wife has in the last month.

8. Undercooked chicken. “The Big Pink” was an album. It’s not supposed to be my lunch.

9. Celebrities that wouldn’t be caught dead following someone on Twitter that doesn’t have “Verified” over their name. Screw ’em, anyway. Who cares about their next boring show, or their words of “wisdom” about their cause “du jour”

10. Lindsay Lohan.

11. The Kardashians.

What are some of the things that give you “The Creeps”?

Posted November 16, 2010 by ralphrc in Germs, The creeps


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